TEAM TORI: What should you teach your kids?

Kristen Howerton recently wrote an article for the Huffington Post online. Kristen Howerton has children that were adopted in a transracial adoption.

After explaining about an incident that happened with her child at the playground, Kristen asks this:

This isn't the first time my kids have been questioned on the "realness" of their family by their peers.? I suspect it won't be the last.? I know I can't expect every single kid to have been educated on adoption, and inevitably my kids will be the ones educating their peers.? But is it too much to ask that other parents, whose families don't have exposure to transracial families, take a couple minutes and explain it to them so that my kids aren't always the center of the After-School Special on Adoption in the school playyard?

I know a little bit about this subject.

• I have four children. They have three different fathers.
• Two of my kids are biological siblings. One kid is the biological son of my husband.?
• Three of my kids have biological siblings that do not live with them.
• Three of my kids were long time members of the foster care system.
• Two of my kids have IEPs.
• I adopted my kids as a single mom and then I got married, so three of my kids have a different last name then me.
• One of my children lives full time at a residential treatment facility.
• One of my kids has cancer.
• One of my kids has a bald head.

We get questions all the time. Why is she wearing a mask? Your boys are both 8, are they twins? Why were they in foster care? Who was their real mom? How much did they cost? Can you give Tori back since she has cancer? Are you mad that you adopted and then got stuck with a kid who is sick? Why does your kid live at the residential center? Is she going to come home? Are you mad that you adopted and then got stuck with a kid who has mental health issues? Do you hate their real mom? And these are just a tiny bit of what we get asked.

When Kristen Howerton wrote this post, she got a lot of negative comments. A lot of people said that it was Kristen's responsibility to educate her children on how to deal with questions and statements from other people.

I think that is true.

But I also think it is a parent's responsibility to teach their children about what they will see in this world.

The other day we were in line and the woman in front of us was wearing a religious covering (I'm guessing a burka) which covered her whole body except for her eyes.

Jon and Tori got very excited and started talking about how she must be a ninja.

Now according to some of the commenters on Kristen's article, the woman in Walmart had the responsibility to deal with her feelings regarding being called a ninja. That since she was different than every Caucasian heterosexual couple with their Caucasian children, that she needed to deal with being called a ninja in Walmart and perhaps even expect to be called out on her dress.

But in my mind, it was my responsibility as both a parent and heck, as a citizen of the United States and hell, an inhabitant on Earth to teach my children.

So I shushed them in line and when we got outside, I explained to them that some people dress in certain ways because they believe that God wants them to dress that way. I explained that some people cover their heads when they are out. Some women only dress in skirts or dresses. Some women cover their bodies and faces and share that only with their husbands.

And then I explained how by calling someone a ninja, they might hurt her feelings, even if they don't mean to.

But I should have done it earlier, before they had a chance to hurt the lady's feelings. (I don't know that she even hurt them. But I was mortified that my kid's might have caused her to be embarrassed or hurt.)

Kids aren't dumb. I started talking to my kids about adoption and foster care issues when they were tiny. So now at 7 and 8, they completely understand their life story and can express it to others. I explain to Tori how she got NF, how the tumors grow, what her medicine is for. In fact, about an hour ago, as I was explaining how people pick who they want for President, I went over what gay marriage was with Tori again.

Because here's the thing. Not talking about something with your kids doesn't make it go away. It doesn't keep them from being exposed to people of other religions or sexualities. As much as you try to shelter your child, you can't. And I don't think you should. They won't be sheltered forever and they will be much better members of society if they are educated.

It isn't the responsibility of the person who is different from you to educate you, unless of course they want to.

As an adult, I get asked a lot of questions about adoption or cancer or foster care or the Bachelorette. And I'm happy to talk about these things, but I'm happier when it is phrased like this:

"I'm interested in learning more about adoption. Would you mind if I asked you some questions?"

rather than:

"So you adopted her? What was wrong with her real mom? Did it cost a lot?"

Here's the deal:

As a family who is different than most families, it is my responsibility to educate my kids on how and when to share their story, what information shouldn't be shared freely, how to deal with questions, how to deal with questions that hurt their feelings, and how to deal with feelings of being different from other kids or families.

But as a parent, it is also my responsibility to educate my kids on the fact that not everyone is like us. It is my responsibility to make sure they know that the world doesn't revolve around our house in the suburbs. That there are many people who believe many different things and we share a world with them.

We need to try to understand others.
We need to be empathetic towards others.
We need to show love towards others, even if we don't agree with their lifestyle.
We need to respect that other people have the right to live different than us.
We need to respect that others might want privacy.

You can't possibly anticipate every scenario that your child might be in, but you can also take advantage of moment's like I had in Walmart to teach your children.

It can only make them better, more educated, more compassionate, more tolerant, more respectful people.

Source: http://www.torigaga.com/2012/08/what-should-you-teach-your-kids.html

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